Horsewoman. Internet. Wine.

It’s been a melancholy week at Infinity Farm. I’d call it the dog days of summer but truth is that it’s been feeling like fall for a few weeks already. It’s getting dark earlier but some days it feels like the sun isn’t even up by noon.

It’s cool enough for a sweatshirt for the night barn check and the season change means mice are starting to move to the house like snowbirds to Tucson. Turns out the cats have all gone vegan or something. Living on a farm isn’t what it used to be.

So, I’m sitting in my writing studio with a mouse is staring at me from my bookshelf. I wonder if I have fought his ancestors, which makes me spend just a bit too much time considering the big questions: Politics. Religion. Who else would eat the poison before the mouse? Is he too big for a fly swatter? Must I always fumble the Tupperware?

Even more despondent, I give in and do that thing that a certain sort of person does late at night on the internet. I’m not proud of it. It shows a lack of character and if my mother was alive, she would slap my hand away…

First, I get a glass of wine –a thick Cabernet that practically stains my teeth. And some chocolate with almonds because I know where this is going and I’ll need some energy in a while. Then I push back in my reclining office chair, put my feet up, and pull the hood of my sweatshirt forward until it nearly covers my eyes. In the dim light, the glow of my computer is as welcoming as a campfire.

A big slow exhale with no need to rush. I’m alone, except for the old dog snoring like someone’s weird uncle. I decide to call it ambiance. One finger goes to one key- D -and the address line auto-fills. It isn’t my first time on this salacious site…

Dreamhorse.com.  To our kind, it’s like a shameless social group where they don’t check your income or marital status.

No, I’m not looking for a horse. None of my clients are either. Still, I leer. I ogle, tilting my head to the side as my eyes devour photos of sleek horses for sale in other states. And then I pour over the descriptions. Some sound as if they were written by a used-car salesman and some by horse-crazy girls. They are equally reliable. I know better than to take the words literally: Bombproof. Sixteen hands. Schooling fourth level. And the one that makes me go mushy… Needs experienced rider.

Oh, my heart. Shouldn’t horse ads have a literary category of their own, something between Crime Fiction and Romance?

After the wine is gone and many pages have been viewed, I doze off to that world where I’m not quite a horse and not quite human.


Available: Mature Gray Mare

Registered name: Shez Gotta Doit Herway   Barn Name: Anna

Breed: Grade, DNA test shows some of everything.

First schooled in Pleasure, Reining, and Trail. Currently a dressage schoolmaster with remarkably poor gaits. Not lame really. Just a bit uneven. Big hooves, good teeth, easy keeper. Not exactly uphill.

Classically trained, boss mare skills, and still sits a wicked reining spin. Veteran of all kinds of freestyle; loves to dance. Will tell you how to do it correctly and then stand around breathing until you take her cue. But no exceptions; she won’t let you on without a helmet.

Loves trailers, will stand for the right farrier. Will also kick when required but her intolerance for bad manners shouldn’t be confused with stubbornness. Prefers body work and a dirt bath to “a cookie.” No plans to retire. Dreams of hock injections.

Comes with two donkeys. And a goat. Some ducks that quit laying. A few dogs and some useless cats. And a small herd of horses, all more uneven than her.

Price: Private treaty, of course.


Writing a horse ad is only a temporary silly distraction but who doesn’t need that? Some of us tell the brutal truth and some of us flatter ourselves. (You wouldn’t be the first filly to fudge your stats.) How would your Dreamhorse ad read? At the very least, tell us your registered name.

….
Anna Blake at Infinity Farm
Horse Advocate, Author, Speaker, Equine Pro

84 thoughts on “Horsewoman. Internet. Wine.

  1. deblinne1

    Oh my gosh. Words cannot express how much I love this post! Dying from laughter up here in NoCo. Registered name: Tryingsohard Nottobe Jaded

    >

  2. Carol

    Perfect thing for me to read as I sit with coffee this morning. And then the dream horse part…perfect. Currently looking for a horse so I’m spending far too much time going through their website ads. I can easily find horses I’d love to have (at least according to “descriptions ” provided) but those horses are always 1000 miles from us. Your ad was perfection. I’m still smiling.

  3. Maggie Frazier

    Love the picture – can only imagine the expressions on the horse’s faces! Ad is perfect in every way! At this point in my life (horseless) I get my enjoyment (sort of) by looking at ads for rescue horses & donkeys. Most are affordable for me, but frankly, have to acknowledge that bringing another large animal home just isnt possible right now. So I donate & COMMENT! Actually my “comments” are improving & becoming much more intelligent (sorry, not here).
    Chickens that no longer lay, but are named, and ducks who I loved dearly. (I know, not everyone will understand that one). At one point, when my kids were still in school, we had a flock of very large white hens who would meet my daughter’s bus every afternoon “galloping down the lawn” – to her very great dismay. Not sure why they were quite so enthusiastic about her or the bus.
    Lots of very “different” stories over the years-I’m sure you know of what I speak.
    Keep on dreaming…

  4. billiehinton

    Sheza Hand Full, barn name Billie.

    BTDT older mare, solid but can be flighty. No buck, some spook, will kick on occasion. High maintenance when it comes to heat and flies. Needs saddle fitter, chiropractic care, and massage on a regular basis to stay happy and sound. Loyal to a fault, but needs a rider who will have a conversation.

    :). This is exactly the post and little fun distraction I needed this morning. Have I posted about how I found my heart horse on Dreamhorse? We were shopping for my daughter’s first pony. I had not ridden in 20+ years but had been taking lessons again. We went through pre-vet checks on 3 ponies who all “failed.” I was so tired of the search I abandoned it late one night and went on Dreamhorse where I typed in the the very specific, picky criteria for the horse of MY dreams. The criteria included breed, color, size, discipline, and price. One entry came up. His name was Keil Bay and he was 40 minutes from our house. I couldn’t believe it. Called just to see if this horse really did exist. The trainer selling him for his owner talked me into coming “just to have a nice ride” – I had been riding again for less than a year and was terrified I was going to embarrass myself, but she promised me it would be okay. He brought me up about 25 notches in that one ride. There were mirrors in the indoor arena and I could SEE how much better I looked! 🙂 He was amazing. When I got off he put his muzzle on my shoulder. Husband came back to get me and I said “I’m buying this horse.” There had to be some negotiation done between he and I because we were definitely NOT shopping for a horse for me. But one perfect vet check later, with x-rays so clean the vet took them to the vet school to make sure he wasn’t missing something, Keil Bay joined our family. He’s 28 now and still amazing.

  5. Sharon Bowen

    I just love your ad. I think this “boss mare” is wonderful. She always makes sense. Easy to ride, er, read. Never needs correction. I think anyone could benefit by “owning” this mare!

  6. Charlu Kent

    Dark brown old mare with sparkles in her coat. Started bareback n stills bucks after every jump. Moves sorely til warmed up. Teaches the young n old manners. Loves a full moon late night ride with a carrot as a bribe. Nuckers when she sees lights on at the house. 3/4 Mustang 1/4 Shetland large star no other markings. Name Charley G.

  7. Leslie Davis

    Love this post!! Except for the wine, it sounds SO familiar. Got rid of the useless chickens and have one mouthy burro, two horses – half sisters. One bucks if riding attempts are made and her sister scares the hell out of me with her go, go attitude. Therefore neither one gets ridden. Trying to develop the guts to try it again, even though I have hit the big seven O mark…

  8. Janice Campbell

    I just had to write and say brilliant writing. Sitting ohm my front porch with a tea after morning chores. Hot day to come. But cool morning wearing my jacket. Laughing and laughing your blog is brilliant . Thanks for the laughs this Friday morning. Cheers , Janice in Alberta Canada
    Sent from my iPhone

  9. Max

    Registered name: Ask don’t tell me! Barn name: Max
    Just a tad past middle age Chesnut Mare. European breeding, small, strong and opinionated. Not classically trained, but can do anything, if asked nicely and fairly, huge appreciation of manners. Bring out Spurs, harsh bits or kicky heels and be prepared for one hell of a ride…
    Likes walks in the forest, clean stall, good food, Liberty play, time hanging out just being – appreciates softly spoken humans who don’t rush and shove. Kindness, softness, caring will be replayed tenfold and unending loyalty. Comes with a small pack of rescue dogs and can do attitude.

  10. That is soooo funny ! Shopaholics! I hope Dreamhorse is kicking down a donation to the rescues for the name drop and the uncontrollable impulse your readers will have to take a look…

  11. i read a post by another amazing horsewoman, this time in the uk. she described it as horse porn. which I love. The sneaky desire to look and dream, even though we have all we need(dont we?) outside in the field. My ad is Mr Oddjob. Registered Name LONGSLADES ODDJOB. 14.2 .a desirable cross of paint horse and new forest pony. probably the best of both breeds. Strong, forward, brave. With gentle work sometimes learns how to relax. slightly stiff on one side, work in progress. lovely dappley liver chesnut,or maybe dark palomino, with flaxen(ish) mane and a would be golden but currently rubbed out tail.good feet. tendency to rush about on outside tracks .likes to gallop. well after all he was born to run I guess. not keen on trailer/lorry but if you have few spare hours he is fine. 🙂

      1. Of course that’s how I learned… but getting a bunch of really creepy responses… yes, delete and it’s out of the search from now on. From Squashedbythebigpicturetoo

  12. Grey mare just slightly past prime but still has lots of get up and go if you ask nicely. She likes naps, four squares (fed precisely on time) loose clothing and a radio on in the barn. Prickly about herd mates, she’s a loner who does best with selective one-on-one time. Loyal, brave, athletic and smart, this mare won’t suffer fools or slackers gladly, but you can count on her when the going gets tough. Tolerates children if necessary, but thrives best in the company of dogs, cats, goats, chickens and just about any critter that crosses her path. Can’t be bribed with food, but has been known to soften after a long stop at the watering hole. Hates attention, fussing and sudden changes to her routine, this easy keeper loves nothing more than a good roll in the dust and a quiet, late morning sun bath. Yours for a song if you can catch her: Miss GottaWanna. Price: If you have to ask, you can’t afford her. 🙂

  13. Catie

    Mature gray mare, registered name: Dontaskwhat you dontwannaknow

    Loves grooming and little kids and treats, acts like a filly some days followed by 2 days of prevacox

    Will stand for farrier and game of thrones

  14. Laurie

    Registered name: Tenacity’s Queen
    Barn name: Donkeyxote
    Mature gray mare. Grade, with perhaps some long ear mixed in. Friendly and cooperative, if you ask, don’t tell. Good feet, good teeth, crappy top line. Rough gaits, but still loves to dance. Voracious appetite, very easy keeper. Price reduced if you can take her now!

  15. Moira mcquillan

    Distinctlydunwithit
    Old Irish dun mare , thinks she’s done with it , but give her a glass ( of anything alcoholic) and she will still put in a full days hunting and party all night afterwards .
    Pretends to dislike the youngsters , but a successful brood mare and mentor .
    Straightforward ride , as long as you ask the right questions .
    Would have jumped anything at one time in her life , now likes to look before she leaps

  16. Registered Name : Sighcawtick Brake
    Barn Name: Yes Mam
    Broken down old nag.
    Dapple with silver mane. Lame and wise.
    Good baby sitter if you don’t mind the kids hitting the ground when they need it.
    Broke (broken) Broke (no money) Broke (no tolerance left)
    Doesn’t do circles, squares or any other geometry stuff.
    Crosses river and climbs mountains…slowly.
    Has uncanny way of getting cooperation from nice humans, small humans and other smarter types of animals.
    Comes with all tack and lots of other baggage.

    1. jennyhorse

      The comments are as funny as the post! Huge laughter at this one though from Sighcawtick Break “good babysitter if you don’t mind the kids hitting the ground when they need it” Ha ha!!! If only they could land on pillows and not break any bones!

  17. New fan, (and retired horse professional). Can’t tell you how much I’m enjoying your view of the world and your writing skill/talent. Keep it coming. PS add a little salt to the cheese you put out for the mice. Once properly salted, the cats will come to the table!

  18. Kate

    Reg name: Notta Phase Horsecraze. Open to all partners regardless of pedigree. Can be stubborn, but listens well and responds to clear communication. Older but still working purse earner!

  19. Karin Pearce

    Loved that 🙂
    And for me: Got to be “Wantit Yesterday”
    Aged mare with fascinating ‘coat colour’ changes from dark brown to grey. Too old to use as brood mare now but has produced two stunning fillies many years ago. Experienced in lower level dressage, XC and SJ plus a lot of CTR and a bit of endurance. These days it’s all about great conversations with a little pleasure riding, maybe the odd dressage day and yes, still open to the odd ‘hoon’ just for fun. A bit stiff in the old joints but not too shabby when warmed up a bit. Comes with a lifetime partner but LOVES and APPRECIATES time alone so no separation anxiety issues. Great with needles now (used to be an issue). Eats (and drinks) well although has a predisposition for the not so healthy selections. New owner MUST supply heaps of covers and a warm barn … she loathes the cold. Cold temps bring out the hissy fits, bitch face and even been know to kick and bite … keep her warm.

  20. I do this on CanterUSA. My husband calls it “horse porn”
    I bought my now 21 yr old , pasture sound OTTB via CanterPA years ago. However I now have more control. I have my eyes on the cute chestnut Standardbred Pacer across the aisle. 😉

  21. Julia H.

    Registered Name: BarefootBitlessTreeless Hippie. Barn name: Sassy

    Schoolmaster stepping down a few, cough, levels after a lifetime in 4-H, Pony Club and lackluster H/J career. Perfect for riding in fields at a walk with a bareback pad and some bale twine or allowing to eat herself silly with a herd of goats. Hates flies, panics at the sound of wasps, kicks geldings for no apparent reason so not a great companion. Enjoys cigarettes, napping to loud radios and eating junk food due to youth spent on the backstretch. Prone to gas colic, monthly hoof care consults with a fancy trimmer, and random emergency vet visits. Perfect match has deep pockets, low expectations and enjoys scratching withers and cracking jokes.

  22. Thanks for this one, Anna. Had a good laugh. I know better than to look for anything for sale, horses, dogs, anything else. I do follow a few things horse on FB (just for the pictures usually – mostly Friesians) and a couple horse rescues I dearly wish I had funds to donate to them.

    No registered name, just a horse. Barn Name: BustedUp.
    Postmature mare, but more like a gelding. Not cooperative, poor keeper, frequently lame in both hind legs, bad attitude, kicks but only when leaning against a strong fence or wall, bites occasionally when really necessary, Picky eater. Generally intolerant of any demands and most requests, would rather deal with postmature gelding or dogs, chickens not a problem. Frequently more onery than a donkey. Can not be ridden, poor pasutre ornament. New owner needs great wealth. polite mouth and quick reflexes.

  23. Anna, Thank you for this its sooo funny!

    Registered name “MuckHeapFairy”

    Ageing gracefully blue roan mare. Surprisingly sound for her age. Gentle and reliable, Loves endless turn out. Hacks out occasionally. Can kick her heels up sometimes and still loves to dance.
    Can no longer manage routine work, domestic duties or a social life. Loves to be solo in nature and the muck heap is immaculate. New owner needs to be emotionally independent and besotted with their own interests.

  24. Hilariously inspiring! Thank you for the insights that came of this…

    Reg Name: Sheeza Cheeky Artist
    Breed: Paint
    Aging orphan, raised in isolation, still learning the nuances of being a horse. Years of multiple trainers, gaming systems and resisting regimen has honed dabbler status. Quick learner if lunging, circles and routine not involved. Will do tricks for treats all day. Curious. Social. Easy keeper. Drawn to slo-mo agility at liberty and grazing. Mostly grazing. Will take a skinny senior rider on a rein-swinging trail ride, but be advised that bees, bears and barking dogs require more youthful bronc skills. Clockwork whinnies provided 3x/day to make feeding impossible to forget for seniors. Always happy to see you coming.

  25. Loved your article Anna, so funny as usual. For several years I was horseless and spent many hours dreaming on Dreamhorse. It finally paid off, because I really did find my dream horse on that site! Happy to see I am not the only one addicted to looking at horse ads.

    Registered name: canwegonow
    Barn name: Chris
    Breed: Arabian

    Loves to get up and go and is always excited to hit the trails. Easy keeper with simple needs like good food and drink. Has an attitude but will settle down for the right person. In training and learning new tricks every day. Developing excellent ground manners and always friendly. Generous, kind-hearted and loyal, this a a horse you can count on.

  26. Catherine

    So right and to the point, with me though it is the Warmblood Stallions catalog I get each Spring. Don’t necessarily have a mare I would breed but that gets my juices going too! Then I get an email from one of the rescue sites or kill pen groups and my fantasy comes crashing down into a grim reality! Love the wine and chocolate too!

  27. Jane Greenwood

    Name: Can’tkeep’emall
    Barn Name: Keeper
    Breed: Spanish Mustang
    Older mare, color varies, used mainly on trail rides and the occasional dressage lesson (deemed to “heavy on the forehand”). An “honest” horse, will ALWAYS give you her opinion on where you are going, how you are riding and works best within a group. Will lead or follow.
    Excellent health (for age), self-trims (saves on those farrier costs) and a VERY easy keeper. Loves being surrounded with other horses, rarely bites or kicks and is a perfect “babysitter”. Free to “forever” home.

  28. Geerteke Kroes

    Hee, hee, hee..
    So funny, Anna…
    Have not really had any inclination to ad myself so far. Am a bit like my Big Friendly Giant named Marcello.
    Alone by himself. Relatively alone as there are horses around to chat with. And actually perfectly OK being alone…so far… or perhaps I should say again as he has had a lady friend for approx 4 years and got kind of panicky every time when she would leave their field for a walk with her human. For me not easy to handle him then. This lady friend passed away a year ago from old age combined with colic. And after that “saying goodbye” (he actually was by her side all the time during the ordeal) he became once again the most Friendly Big Giant one can wish for. Still with enough spirit though.
    However, as soon as there is a mare spontaneously coming into heat when looking him in the eye he does not hesitate to “jump”. Mmmm .. a bit like me??

    Hee, hee, hee….

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